Chris CrockettThe Wild Adventures of Chuck & Smitty Return
October 2nd 2009 13:09
'Smitty McCormack'
Stopped in down the TCFB Pub last night to check on a couple of things before heading home and to my surprise, my old fossil of a friend Smitty was on his favorite stool up at the bar. He was holding court as usual with his cronies and when he saw me, his eyes lit up like they must've when he discovered Viagra about ten years ago. Here's the exchange....
Chuck: Hey!!!!! What's been goin on Smitty? Haven't seen you in about a month or so..
Smitty(in the middle of the crowd of old men he's holdiing court with): Hey guys, look it's button pusher boy, Chuckie. What's up kid? Hey, this mob wants at you bad, you little putz! Are you aware of how much you disappointed them when you had the balls to wear that Jeter jersey on your little webfilm or webcaster or whatever the hell you call that show you do now? I friggin loved it though kid, loved it.. Who taught you to push buttons like that? Good ole Smitty, that's who.
Chuck: Smitty, you've taught me a bunch of different things since I've known you.. Like don't go near the 65 plus year old women with dentures cuz you want first dibs on them.. Always be respectful to the lady bartenders because, as you put it, "you'll never know when she needs a shoulder to cry on and you can take advantage of her if you play your cards right." All sorts of good stuff like that.. But I believe I might've been born with the pushing buttons skill. Not sure, but I think so.. Plus you know I like Jeter.
Smitty: Yeah, I know you do you little annoying prick ya.. I was here that night you came in with him about 5 or 6 years ago and you were all up on his sloppy seconds.
Chuck: Smitty, that wasn't me you foolish bastard, it was Chuck Knoblauch. Jesus, your brain just marinates in that Budweiser over time and you forget everything. I was here with you that night and my girlfriend at the time who is now my wife. Would've been a little tough to play grab ass with Jeter's 'sloppy seconds' that night, as you so kindly put it.
Smitty: Whatever kid, I'm getting so goddamn old.. Your probably right. Anyway I showed my girlfriend your show when you were wearing his jersey. She thinks your a loser for wearing it just like the rest of the city.
Chuck: Time out my old friend! Girlfriend?
Smitty: Yeah, remember you dropped me at her house when we left here the last time you putz?
Chuck: Yes you crusty bastard I remember.. I took you back to your pad first so you could grab your stash of little blue pills and then we went to her house.. Don't leave that part out! And how would I know you were an item now? I've dropped you off at many a 'dame's' house.
Smitty: Oh my God, that night I was stiff as a board for about 5 hours kid.. I must went about three rou..
Chuck: Stop for Christ sake! Stop.... ...Jesus Christ. I need that mental image like I need another bill to pay this month. I'm glad you've found someone you old coot. Good for you.
Smitty: Oh whatever Chuckie. Spare me your soft side. It's only a woman.. Trust me, I'll screw it up.. Anyway, what you wrote about that goddamn gay horse or whatever.. The horse with the coochie and the balls.. My woman was laughing so hard at that she f'n spit her dentures half across the kitchen as we were eating our Sloppy Joes the other night. You have a twisted mind sometimes kid with the things you write on.
Chuck: You're really gonna sit here right now and tell me my mind is twisted? Are you shitting me?
Smitty: True. I can't argue that point, you must've learned that shit from me too.. I have a question for you? Baseball playoffs question....
Chuck: Sure
Smitty: 2009 Playoffs.. You have the choice, Papelbon or Rivera as your closer. Who do you take kid? I think I know your answer... Tell the boys here..
Chuck: Easy one, the way he's pitched this year? No brainer I'd take Mariano. He's been lights out all year Smitty..
Smitty: I love you kid, lets get the hell out of here before you start getting shit thrown at you by my drunk friends. You're giving me a ride right?
Chuck: First off, I own the bar so if they throw shit, they'll pay.. Second off, I always take care of you don't I?? Lets roll.. Geez, tonight was a rarity, we actually got along pretty well. Not that we don't like each other, but you know, we usually battle.
Smitty: Don't get used to it kid. I'm just trying to be nice to you cuz I want that cameraman job on your show, that's all. I saw you friggin flip your lid on the other one. You friggin lit into that poor bastard. You can be a real asshole when you want to be kid.
Chuck: (laughing) Good stuff Smitty. You know I'm a city boy just like you and know how to turn that side on when I have to! I'll see what I can do for you. We have to see if you get along with the other guys on the show first..(both laughing and walking away..)
Chuck
~TCFB~
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Comment by 5280
If my memory serves me it was a mother and daughter in the same line of "work" as well. I think it was just the mother with dentures though.
Rock and Roll.
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Chuck H
TCFB